Living in pain

It’s just after midnight, I’m curled up with a hot water bottle and despite having already taken some strong pain relief, had a magnesium bath, done deep breathing and a “pain meditation”, it is hard not to despair when you feel like someone is scraping your insides.

Yep, living with a chronic illness such as Endometriosis and Adenomyosis isn’t glamourous but with so many women living with it, I know what I have described will ring true. For those who are lucky enough not to have a clue about living like this, I know it’s hard to grasp living without a “solution”. It’s not only a hard reality to live with, the one that you’ll never actually be free of this, but it is also painful (no pun intended) to explain to people.

I’ve noticed something recently…people ask me “are you ok?” And I find myself not really knowing how to reply. In some aspects, I’m MORE THAN OK, I feel so incredibly grateful for the wonderful life I have, I have never been happier or felt safer but how can I ignore this chain and ball that I drag around? I have so much I want to do, the person I want to be for my family and friends and I try my best yet feel like my best could be better if it wasn’t for this illness. I want to be grateful without caveats but it’s hard to be when it comes to your health.

In the last couple of days, Endometriosis has been on the news and radio. On one hand, great - it’s getting coverage and perhaps things will start changing. On the other, I have felt so triggered and upset about it. It’s a devastating state of affairs. The numbers and statistics make you feel helpless and it reminded me why I don’t go to the doctor to ask for help. I actually think that the energy and emotional tax of having to deal with, more often than not, doctors that don’t know much about the condition, isn’t worth it. I’ve been there too many times. “Have you tried having a bath?” “Have you tried ibuprofen?” “It might be an STI” “do you think it would be helpful to try some antidepressants?”

At one point I felt quite in control of this illness but over the last few months I just don’t seem to be able to get on top of it. I don’t have the energy and headspace to implement my usual practices to lower the inflammation and not only that, I have had to remind myself that I need to stop blaming myself for every bit of food or drink or stress or chemicals that I’m not “supposed to have” as it might flare my Endometriosis because at the end of the day there’s no current cure for it and yes those things help but it’s not my fault that I have it and it can progress or flare “just because”.

It feels good to let all these thoughts out. I find that at this stage, so close to my period, I get so low about it all and it makes me question everything. Better, brighter days will come and I will regain my strength.